Thursday was tough. I started my morning alone on the wards since my resident partner was sick; I walked into the ward hearing the sounds of a woman wailing and knew it was not good. They asked me to see this man right away and to confirm his death; I have never had to do such a thing before, but it was clear that he had passed away. I had no time to process this loss of life and his impact on his family and friends before I was asked to see the other sick patients.
I was also frustrated by the lack of resources (ie blood tests) and medications available. People would stay in the hospital for far too long since we have to make an educated guess from the patient’s history (which is always through 1-2 sets of translation) and our physical exam what the diagnosis is and start the most appropriate treatment. Sometimes, it takes days to get results; other times, we empirically start treatment while waiting for the few tests we have access to to come back.
Lastly, I was frustrated at the system. As I was leaving the hospital for lunch, I was stopped by a nurse and billing person and asked to assist them with figuring out a patient’s bill; the patient has COPD and needed an expensive inhaler to stay healthy and out of the hospital. I discussed this with the workers, the pharmacy, and the patient…multiple times. The workers stated that the patient could not afford the hospital bill and inhaler (which was about $30 for 2 months). They wanted me to pay for the inhaler. It broke my heart; Yes, I have $30 that I could use to pay for his inhaler, but what about all the other patients and their unpaid bills? What about next time when his inhaler runs out and I am not there to buy him another? This is definitely a dilemma in missions…to find the best, most sustainable way to help that is sensitive to the Spirit as well. In the end, I told them to discuss the bill with the chaplains (who handle charity giving to cover medical bills) and to call family and friends to collect money to pay the bill. It is a common practice here to discharge the patient, but not to let them leave the hospital until his/her bill is paid; I guess he came up with the money because his bed was empty the next day.
I left the hospital feeling defeated and alone; I desperately wanted to help him and others, but did not feel that giving money was the best way at that moment. I wanted other patients to get better, instead they died. At that moment in time, I was really upset…upset at the lack of resources, upset at my inability to fix things, upset with the seemingly endless list of tasks to get done, and upset that I do not have the knowledge or experience (or language…that is the toughest) I really need to work here effectively without the assistance of other residents or attendings.
I called Tyler crying my head off; it wasn’t a cute little whimper, but rather a ball my eyes out…this is not fair sort of crying. It wasn’t pretty. I sobbed about how people were dying, how people were lying on the floor for treatment, how others were getting sicker by the day, and about all my inadequacies. Tyler gently reminded me that I was not alone; the God was right by my side and that He gives me the strength I need to face every challenge…including this one. After I talked with Tyler, I was still pretty upset, but within a few minutes, the missionary kid wandered over to where I was sitting outside. He started telling me about these crazy books he is writing; he is hilarious! He turned my frown upside down; I know that God sent him my way that day. After cheering me up, he asked me to watch him climb this tree in his backyard; he climbed over 50 feet high…it was nuts! Then his mom came outside and we chatted a bit about being a medical missionary; I told her of my tough day and she told me some of her experiences. Afterwards, I assisted her with an operation to amputate a woman’s leg above the knee to remove a tumor on her leg. The woman was scared to have the operation, but she was excited that the tumor would be gone. Before we started the surgery, we prayed with the patient; it was such a wonderful experience to see them praying not only for the operation, but for her as a person to come to know Christ through this ordeal.
The day ended with the station meeting, a time when all the missionaries and their families on the BMC campus meet for food and fellowship and encouragement. We had lasagna, which was delicious and chocolate cake…which was even better! We had a sweet time of worship and a devotion about Martin Luther King…and how we as Christians are called to honor governments, yet live in accordance to Christ’s example and to advocate for the least of these.
This day was definitely my lowest point so far here in Ghana. It is difficult to be in the midst of the trenches (even though you are surrounded by lots of other believers) and still feel alone. But God promises to guide us even when we are unsure; as Tyler reminded me in Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your path.”
Thank you to all of you who are praying for me. I can say with full confidence that the prayers are working and God is moving here in my heart and in the lives of others.